It’s Time To Unpack

Taking a leap sharing my journey with healing from sexual trauma and ..love trauma?

Pay attention to me

I’m good

I’m quiet

I’m obedient

I’ll listen

I’ll let you talk down on me

Because I want you to like me

I don’t want you to see me as a problem

I don’t want to bother you with my emotions

With what makes me

Me

- Excerpt from poem “Good Girl”

It took a long while before I realized I had an issue with intimacy. And I mean to fully understand it.

And I think I’ve honestly been avoiding this topic for a long while. Well … avoiding writing it. I knew I had trauma after experiencing what caused it, but it was how much I understood it that makes the difference. 

I didn’t know how the trauma would present itself in the future and how long it would last, and that sometimes it can last for almost a decade. 

We hold so much trauma. Physical, emotional, mental. All of that we have to learn to navigate through and somehow … I feel like I’m on the level of dealing with trauma like a factory. It comes down the belt, I inspect it, I make it better, then I send it off to be let go. 

I realize I have a choppy writing style when I put my thoughts down. Something I feel is, also, related to trauma. Acknowledging we have trauma isn’t making ourselves victims, it only leads us to better days.

Over the past 2-3 weeks I have been slowly knocking down exes, closing each door. I found appreciation for their time in my life, not only thinking of the (many) negative events throughout the relationship. 

I’ve gone from thinking I didn’t really love them as much as I thought and they damn sure didn’t love me for real, to thinking I did actually love them, and they did (or do) love me, just not the way my soul was dying for. 

It can take a lot for some people to reach this point, and it’s taken me a while as well, some healed trauma even dating back to high school. 

I’ve found the positive in the majority of my exes/flings (not serious at all, but just enough connection), but I still have a way to go. 

I know one thing that I’m almost positive I’ve healed from (or almost done healing from) is when I got raped. 

Typing that was weird. I usually say sexual assault, because although I accepted what it was years ago, I still had trouble saying the word. 

Most of the trauma that I’ll speak to you about in this newsletter all stems from one root. His name was Daniel, he was 18 and I was 13. Back then he was so cool, but looking back, he was the complete opposite. 

He had the whole package to a 13 year old girl going through puberty whose parents were newly divorced:

• Suicidal for manipulation purposes

• Is sexual……. a lot

• Fake rebellious

• Gives attention (fills the void)

Not everyone who has Daddy issues had an absent father, so I will just leave that subject there and will revisit at a later date. 

I’m putting my heart into code here, I’m really taking a leap. Part one of the final process to, what I see as, enlightenment.

There will be happy newsletters, not everything is so depressing. Like I said, I’m healing. I’m healing fast, but steady. My mind has all the time to travel now due to me driving for work. A retail job had never provided that space for my mind to wander and it’s not what it’s meant for. That’s how business goes, and I can’t be mad at that. 

I quit my job right after my birthday last year, not thinking too much of it, knowing I wanted it. Now I feel like crying when I think about giving up and getting a stable job so my car can rest, so not everything is so heavy, waiting on me. But I need the pressure, I need the time to pick my soul apart, put the pieces back together, trust myself. Know me, be confident in my knowledge of me. 

I am forever thankful for the timing that these past people had. These relationships lasted exactly as long as they should have, and I truly see that now as I rewind. Rewinding was also something that was hard to do, especially as a person good at daydreaming.

To be clear, Daniel has no positives. He added very little. I appreciate the one anime he put me onto, and it could be one or two other things, but we won’t know until that thought comes. 

But… He’s the fire we will be sitting around as I share my soul.